I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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