All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Randomize
