i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
