It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
