Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
