this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I touched a dick in church today
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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