My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
