I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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