Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
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