The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
