Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
