i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I can't put those talents on a resume
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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