I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
