you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Randomize
