I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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