yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
