Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Michael Bay diarrhea
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
