So drunk, too bad you don't want this
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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