Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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