Girls should come with a carfax report
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I just found a bag of teeth...
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
