Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
