please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
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