Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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