You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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