Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
it's like heaven, but drunker
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
