Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
