I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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