It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
