So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
