I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Panties = found
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