explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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