Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
