As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
