I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
