where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
