i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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