Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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