I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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