haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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