looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
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