If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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