i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
