oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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