Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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