Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
