Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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