anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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