Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
