halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
