This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I just want to make out with him forever
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
